I failed to respond to your comments before, and I'm truly sorry, I do find facing communication incredibly difficult, but I so regret now not having pushed myself hard enough to do so. I also get disheartened, perhaps far too easily, when I find so many leads deserted, even as I understand reasons for absence myself. Where else should I be looking? I feel I need to get things out of my system, but I'm concerned that the nature of what I need to write will be too graphic. I'm not net or computer savvy, which complicates things. I'm so out of my depth with all of this and becoming more overwhelmed with continually emerging memories and realisations, can someone help me out here, please? And, just to be able to talk to someone, and get to know people who understand, though I suppose that's difficult for everyone, but I just don't know how to start. Is it as straightforward and frightening as just approaching people from here and asking, or..? I'm not always quite such an awkward and dithering twit, mostly, but not always. Take care, I wish you well, Jonah.
I am in my 30s. All the compartmentalization and all the rationalization that I have built over the years have finally failed. I have to directly recognize that I am the victim of sexual and serious emotional abuse.
I created this livejournal account as a safe way for me to start documenting the healing and building. I need to write, and I am sure there are others who need to know that they aren't alone.
I don't remember the last time I was "normal," so I don't know what is in store. I know I can't keep living like this though.
I do have one question for the group: No doubt more than one of you pondered the question of, how can I keep my seeking help out of the rest of my life? For starters, it can be used against you in court, and certain jobs (especially those with a security clearance) would look dimly on it. Gun owners, police officers, even pilots have reason to be concerned. Even if you know you would never hurt anyone. It just seems unfair that you get victimized once only to be faced with the choice of either silently suffering or telling the world about it and having things taken away from you.
So does anyone have any tips for how to get help safely and anonymously?
No? Well... I'm just going to pretend there is, because otherwise... it's just not fair... I'm 41, and I've only recently begun to have memories of sexual abuse, though the symptoms I've had all my life seem to be indicative of it. I'm getting some help, but feel more and more lost and confused and have great difficulty even accepting what's happened. I'm supposed to write about it, but still can't bring myself to do it. It feels like there'll never be an end to the crud coming up. I really just wanted someone to talk to who knows what it's like.
Well...I have officially decided to do it. I don't want to be quiet anymore, about any of it. I was abused...and it was not my fault. I have no shame of what happened...I was a kid. Just a kid. Now, at the age of thirty, I feel as though I NEED to write about it. And so, today I have started my blog, on the matter. Hopefully, by writing about what happened, I can find some sort of release. We shall see.
Happy Thanksgiving. Today I think I'll just go for my usual walk along the seawall and then up the hill to have a few drinks at the PJ's. I'll be alone as usual but I like it that way. Of coarse most people will be having their big dinners with family. If I did that I'd have to be pretending that I forgot all the years of sexual abuse I had from my dad. My mom keeps asking why I don't come visit. I'm not about to step inside the house that allot of the abuse happened. I probably won't do that til my dad is dead. I'm not sure what emotions will be going through my mind when that happens. Mostly just relief and good riddance. My family isn't a close one so it won't make allot of difference in my life except for the pain of having to go to the funeral and having to see relatives. I guess I'll probably have to pretend that I'm sad. I'll have to drug myself up for that experience.
Anyway...... hope other people are having a better weekend.
My pain may sound small. With that said, I recently joined the group and feel I should let you intrude on my "life". I grew up a New York City boy in the deep south. No I never lived in NYC; some may say metro sexual. Anyways, from the time I can remember I got myself ready for school (if I went), no breakfast. To the bus I went all alone to school where I was called fag from the begin to the end; among all the others. My brother and his friends were the ring leaders, when I stood up for myself I would get the beat down; I learned to keep a knife on me at all time. After school I would arrive to an empty house and as I grew older turned to all the "fun and feel good things" in "life". My best friend was being molested by his uncle and what he learned was shared with me.....Growing up I have heard every lie to get me into bed and have what i concer the worst empty, hatefull souls around!EVERYONE NEEDS A GREAT BIG PILL COCKTAIL HUG; Aka my doctors have me loaded on pills and hugs!
Within the last year, I have recently acquired employment as a paralegal at a small Family Law firm. I have every intention to follow this line of work all the way through law school, but I am in a difficult quandary as of late.
A great deal of clients that require our services have been abused, have married people that are abusers, and have children that have been abused. Any and all of these factors come into play in matters of their legal representation, and as such, constitute a significant portion of my workday. I am also going to night school to further my mastery of these job skills, and furtherance towards a proper degree. Two applicable classes I am taking right now are Paralegal Ethics and the other is Family Law; I thought it would be great to skill up on the current area that is a focus of my professional work. However, due to the nature of work and school, I am often confounded with the prospect of withstanding highly triggering situations for a marathon 12 hours a day, discussing horrible situations in often complex detail throughout. Sometimes, I want to explode... This may sound funny, but I have seen myself change a great deal over these six months. In the mirror, I see the face of an embittered person, eyebrows knitting together like a mountain range, with all the permanence of tectonic plate drift. Sress lines. Smiling, laughing has become somewhat more foreign than in times past. This may be because of overall workload, but I tend to think that subject matter bears the most direct influence.
I am asking if anyone may have come across some quality resources, whether books or online communities, or what may have you, for survivors that become professionals that end up dealing with others' abuse histories, only to arouse ancient demons of their own. I have not been medicated, in therapy, or received counseling for over a decade, and I wonder if it's a good idea to explore those options again for stress relief. Medication would probably not happen, but at this point, I am open to avenues of relief that I may travel towards. I enjoy the work, generally, and I have garnered a fortuitous amount of skill and knowledge thus far. I do not wish to see it wasted by diverting my energies away from what may be a beneficial career because I cannot hang. However, it cannot continue like this. Havoc is wreaked upon all areas of my life, and I need control again.
i would want to see you again..yes.. but i always see trouble not to far behind.. for once i am actually picked up a lot of pieces that used to be my life.. but there is a dreaded downfall as well; fun isnt in my vocab anymore.. tyler was arrested...not sure where hes at anymore.. the things i used to enjoy no longer exist.. i feel like i am dying inside and im all alone.. i trusted you and i guess i was a cheap laugh for everyone.. am i supposed to pour my heart out to you only to be left broken.., my heart is confetti and i cant stop crying knowing it is my fault that you cant love me, that we cant make it, that i am sick and will die early...but it still remains that, i love you more than you will ever know and i cant stop it....but i cant be around when all i feel is dead.. i dont even want to be around my family or josie anymore.. people just pushed me too far.....and no, i no longer care, all i feel is pain and it hurts to breathe.. to know that i am alive.. to open my eyes, so see the sun in the sky.. all things that let you know you are still trapped.. well you were right i am very hated these days.. my dad wants to put me in the asylum, mom can barely help herself, grandma thinks i need serious help.. no one listens anymore.. no one cares....why should they?
Im sorry that i could never let you in...to tell you everything.. but you are one that i trusted and will love forever...all i got from it was to be broken again.. In just wish i knew how to make you happy.. how to make you stay.. to not hurt me again.. It was really sick and fucked up how you told me that you loved me, that you broke up with her, tell ppl we are back together...make me believe that until it comes to the day the truth comes out.. and you rip whats left of my heart and begin stabbing it with rusty nails.. i try so hard to take care of it all but i cant figure out what to do so it ends up right..
im sorry im not perfect, or what you wanted.. im sorry i am crazy, and im not beautiful.. that im not rich and i can give you everything in the world.. but i can say that i was honest and i meant it when i said i would love you until the day i died.. i just wish you did, and you would show me out of my own darkness..
I will love you forever Jesse Lee Thomas.. Forever.. no matter what i say i can never stop loving you.. being here without you is killing me inside.. I cry everyday wishing you would call or walk through the door and hold me before i break to pieces..
I wanted to live my life with you.. I wanted to know the feeling of being loved by someone who wont hurt you.. I wanted to know what a home felt like.. I wanted to be able to smile like i once could.. I wanted to make someone else happy and love them, be with them forever.. I wanted to see life, without the pain.. I want you to hold me and never let go.. I want you to love me and never give up.. I want to be with you for the rest of my life..
I guess i wanted too much, so that is why i am alone...all alone.. only the darkness is my friend now..so guess im not alone after all..
Remember me how i was, not how i am now.. im nearly beyond help..
Call me when you get this if you can.. or a # to call you..